StructX > After Work > Engineering Jokes > Only an engineer will laugh
A certain type of humor
Different people come with different takes on humor and engineers are no exception. While everyone can enjoy a good joke, there are always a few in-group jokes specifically tailored to a group of people that unfortunately not many other people will get... unless of course they are a part of that group, or have experience with them.
Safety Factor
Before studying engineering, if someone asked me what 1+1 is, I would have said "2."
Now, I'd say "I'm pretty sure it's 2, but we'd better make it 3 just to be safe."
Bridge Design
Anyone can build a bridge.
It takes an engineer to just barely build a bridge.
Romantic Force
Two engineers were on a date at a swimming pool. They are sitting on the end of a diving board when the guy says to the girl, “I think we’re having a moment.” The girl looks to the guy and says smiling, “We’d make a great couple.”
Black Sheep
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through the country side when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
"Aha", says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm", says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black".
"No", says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that individual sheep is black!"
Average Shot
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician were out game hunting. The engineer spied a target in the distance, so they got a little closer to get a better shot.
"Let me take the first shot!" said the engineer, before missing the target by three metres to the left.
"You're incompetent! Let me try" insisted the physicist, who then proceeded to miss by three metres to the right.
"Ooh, we *got* him!!" said the statistician.
Tables
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because He looked up what to do in a table and that's what they did last year.
No Can Opener
A chemist, a physicist, and an engineer are rafting down a river. They crash their raft into some rocks and it begins to take on water. Luckily, they manage to get the raft onto a nearby bank.
They soon discover they have a supply of canned goods! But alas, no can opener. Trying desperately to get some food, the chemist try’s to erode the can using his knowledge of corrosive minerals in the area, but with no luck. The physicist uses his glasses to focus the sunlight to burn a hole in the can, doesn’t work. The engineer stands up and proclaims: "I'VE GOT IT! ASSUME THE CAN IS OPEN!"
Faulty Brakes
Three Engineers are in a car going for a drive. The first is a Mechanical Engineer, the second an Electronics Engineer and the third is a Software Engineer.
All of a sudden, the brakes fail as they are going down a steep hill. Fortunately, the driver manages to eventually bring the car safely to a halt and pulls over to the side of the road.
The mechanical engineer gets out to examine the hydraulic systems.
The Electronics Engineer gets out and checks the main electrical connections, ABS system and the power train bus.
The Software Engineer stays in the car and when queried about it says that they should all just get back in the car and see if it happens again!
Knock Knock
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting coefficient of friction.
Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ)
Binary Code
There are 10 types of people.
Those that understand binary, & those that do not understand binary.
Make that 11 types.
Those that understand binary, those that don't, and those who didn't grasp this joke even if they understand binary.
Engineer Talk
| What is said | What it means |
|---|---|
| A number of different approaches are being tried. | We don't know where we're going, but we're moving. |
| An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem. | We just hired three guys. We'll let them kick it around for a while. |
| Developed after years of intensive research. | It was discovered by accident. |
| Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties. | We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch. |
| Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. | The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. |
| Test results were extremely gratifying. | It works and, boy, are we surprised! |
| The design will be finalised in the next reporting period. | We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something. |
| The entire concept is unworkable. | The only guy who understood the thing just quit. |
| We need close project coordination. | We should have asked someone else. Alternate: Let's spread the responsibility for this. |
On the Outside
An engineer, physicist and a mathematician have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.
The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
The mathematician thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
Three Metal Spheres
During a restructuring of a well established university the Board decides to test the Professors, to see if they really know their stuff.
First they take a Math Prof. and put him in a room. Now, the room contains a table and three metal spheres about the size of softballs. They tell him to do whatever he want with the balls and the table in one hour. After an hour, he comes out and the Trustees look in and the balls are arranged in a triangle at the center of the table.
Next, they give the same test to a Physics Prof. After an hour, they look in, and the balls are stacked one on top of the other in the center of the table.
Finally, they give the test to an Engineering Prof. After an hour, they look in and one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and he's carrying the third out in his lunch box.
The Lowest Bidder
An astronaut in space in 1970 was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronaut replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest engineering bidder?"
Close Enough
A mathematician and engineer are sitting in a bar when the bartender walks up and tells them, "The woman in the corner fancies both of you. One of you should go an talk to her... but I should warn you that every step you take will only halve your current distance to her."
The mathematician says, "Well, I guess that's not going to happen then." He pays his tab and leaves.
The engineer stands up and takes a few steps towards the woman when the bartender says to him "You do realize you will never reach her?"
The engineer turns to the bartender and replies "Yeah, but I'll get close enough for practical applications."
Hide and Seek
One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to go first.
As he counted, Pascal ran away scrambling to find a great hiding place. Giddily, he squeezed into a crawl space sure that he would win this time as this was his best hiding spot to date and Newton surely wouldn't find an equal.
Newton on the other hand, stood right in front of Einstein, pulled out a piece of chalk and drew a box on the ground of roughly 1x1 meters. Once this was completed, he sat down neatly inside the box and waited for Einstein to finish counting.
When Einstein opened his eyes, he of course saw Newton and with a bit of disappointment said “I found you Newton, you lose”... but Newton replied, “On the contrary, you are looking at one Newton over a square meter... Pascal loses!”
More Data
An engineer, a mathematician, a statistician, and a physicist are staying in a hotel room. A fire emerges from the electrical socket, and all four are awoken in a panic.
The engineer thinks to douse the flames using anything but water.
The physicist thinks to shut off all power and rushes down to the hotel lobby.
The mathematician is convinced that no solution exists and goes back to bed.
The statistician lights the curtains of the room on fire and says "We need more data."
One third x cubed
Two engineers, were having dinner in a restaurant. They were arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the general public. The first engineer claimed that this average was woefully inadequate while the second engineer maintained that it was surpassingly high.
"I'll tell you what, " said the first engineer, "when I get back from the bathroom we'll ask our waitress a simple calculus question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do, okay?"
They agreed, but once he'd left the second engineer called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "he's going to ask you a question; you should respond 'one third x cubed' no matter what the question is; got that? There's twenty bucks in it for you." She happily agreed to the gag and went about her tasks.
The first engineer returned from the men's room and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful," he stated, "incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked startled, then pensive, almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet , made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Umm, one third x cubed?"
The second engineer beamed in relief as an astonished Richard paid the check and a clearly irritated waitress muttered under her breath, "... plus a constant."
A Letter to Algebra
Dear Alebra,
Please stop asking us to find your X.
She's never coming back and don't ask Y.