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Universal Jokes

Many of the jokes around today are simply variations of jokes used in the past. By simply changing a name, place or activity in the joke to direct it at a different place or person, these types of jokes can be considered to be somewhat universal. As with all jokes directed at someone other than ones self, care should always be taken not to offend.

All Aboard!

Three engineers and three lawyers are at a train station, buying boarding passes for a trip. The three lawyers purchase three tickets, but the three engineers only purchase one ticket between them. When the lawyers ask them why, the engineers say that they've discovered a way to all ride with only one ticket. Once on the train, all three engineers go into a single bathroom. The ticket counter passes by and says "ticket, please" and they slide the door open a bit and hand their ticket. The lawyers are amazed, and agree to try it on their return trip. On the way back, the three lawyers purchase one ticket. They see the engineers and say "we're buying only one ticket, too!" to which the engineers respond "actually, this time we've discovered a way to ride the train without any tickets." Once on the train, the three lawyers climb into a single bathroom. The three engineers walk up to their bathroom, knock on the door, and say "ticket, please."

Unfamiliar Equipment?

A young engineer was leaving the office late one evening when he found his boss standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said his boss, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Well done, Well done!" said his boss as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

A Good Insurer

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.
“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?” he asked.

A Warm Experiment

At a university behavioral experiment, an engineer, physicist and mathematician were presented, each in turn, with the same controlled situation:
They were placed in a burning room with centrally located tub of water, pump and hose.
The engineer immediately got the pump running, hooked up the hose, soaked the entire room with water and put out the fire. He dumped the remaining water on whatever dry spots were left.
The physicist, after first running a few calculations, got the pump running, hooked up the hose and carefully metered out the water to the appropriate areas and put out the fire without wasting a drop.
The mathematician, after running a few calculations, pronounced "yes, it can be done". And left the room.

Could Use a Mirror

A contractor, an engineer, and an architect were standing inside their recently completed building, looking out at the street.
A VERY attractive woman walks by.
The contractor whistles.
The engineer says, “Did you see the legs on that woman?”
The architect says, “Did I miss something, I was admiring my reflection.”

A Head for Mines

A mine in a small town had completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local bar. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a Lawyer and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in? Well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me just look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender sceptically served the Lawyer his beer and then came back to talk to the engineer, "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh... that's where we put the jack."

Measuring Tape

Two mechanical engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A tradesmen walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said one of the engineers, "but we don't have a ladder."
The tradesmen took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "It's spot on 8m" and walked away.
One of the engineers shook his head and laughed. "Well that's no good to us?! We ask for the height and they gave us the length!"

A Feat of Strength

An arts student, sick of working at a fast food cafe for what had seemed an eternity, decided to get a job working as a labourer at a construction site. Being an over-confident arts student, he soon began to brag to the other workers about all sorts of things. One day he decided to brag that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of the wiry engineer on the site. After several minutes, the engineer had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," said the engineer. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, little guy!" the arts student replied. "Let's see what you have."
The engineer reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Money Well Spent

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for 30+ years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $30,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $29,999.
The bill was paid in full.

Travelling Game

A Lawyer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Lawyer leaned over to the Engineer and asked if he wanted to play a fun game. The Engineer just wanted to sleep so he politely declined, turned away and tried to sleep. The Lawyer persisted and explained that it was a real easy game. He explained, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay. If you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Lawyer $5.
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Lawyer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Lawyer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Lawyer, turns away and returns to sleep.

Magic Lamp

There was once an engineer who found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie jumped out and said to him, "You have three wishes. But there is a catch - this wish system of mine was designed by a lawyer, so whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will get double of!"
The engineer replied, "That's no problem, I can live with that." He then said, "For my first wish, I wish I had a Ferrari."
"OK", said the genie, and a Ferrari appeared in front of the engineer. "But remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 Ferrari'," the genie told the engineer.
The engineer remained unperturbed and said, "For my second wish, I wish for a million bucks." So a million bucks appeared in front of the engineer and the genie said, "remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 million bucks."
The engineer was non-committal and then said, "I always wished I could donate a kidney!"

The Price is Right

An engineer, a physicist, and an accountant were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with: "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was interviewed next, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."
The accountant was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked, "How much do you want it to be?"