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StructX > After Work > Engineering Jokes > Jokes aimed at engineers

Self-depreciating Humor

When done in a humorous fashion belittling, undervaluing, disparaging or simply being excessively modest can be a great way to show that you don't take yourself too seriously and also help to portray yourself as approachable and sometimes even human. As with all examples of humor caution should be adopted when dealing with the correct timing and audience. StructX has provided some examples of jokes that could be used with this style of humor.

Add Features

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

A Glass Half Full

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A Poor Choice of Words

A scientist and an engineer were sharing a prison cell, both sentenced to be shot at dawn. Fortunately, they came up with a plan. As the physicist was led out to the firing squad, the engineer set fire to a small pile of straw on the window-ledge of their cell.
"Look!" the physicist yelled to his captors. "The prison is burning!" The firing squad dropped their weapons and ran to put out the conflagration. Furthermore, the Warden decided that the scientist deserved a pardon for saving the prison.
The next day the firing squad came for the engineer. As you might guess, the scientist was having a much harder time getting a large enough fire going outside the prison to draw attention. As it happens, it wasn't until the engineer was staring down the rifle barrels that he finally saw enough smoke. So, as fast as he could, the engineer yelled "Fire!"

Human Design

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Half Dozen of Eggs

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

A Quick Game of Golf

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers teeing off in front.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime they want."
The group fell silent for a moment before the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

The Right Choice

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

A Talking Frog

An engineer was sitting by a pond eating his lunch, when a frog hopped over to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." Seeing the frog was in distress, he bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Engineer Talk

What is said What it means
A number of different approaches are being tried. We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.
An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem. We just hired three guys. We'll let them kick it around for a while.
Developed after years of intensive research. It was discovered by accident.
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties. We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
Test results were extremely gratifying. It works and, boy, are we surprised!
The design will be finalised in the next reporting period. We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
The entire concept is unworkable. The only guy who understood the thing just quit.
We need close project coordination. We should have asked someone else.
Alternate: Let's spread the responsibility for this.

Some One-liners

Engineer's Motto: If it isn't broken, take it apart and fix it.

Engineers have no life... and can PROVE it mathematically!

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research.

How does a chemical engineer calculate the airflow over a camel? First assume the camel is a sphere...

Not all engineers are civil.

Old chemical engineers never die, they just fail to react.

People who do the world's real work don't usually wear ties.

Quantum Mechanics... The dreams stuff is made of.

Research is the act of going up alleys to see if they are blind.

To err is human, to forgive divine, but to check... that's engineering.

No Can Opener

A chemist, a physicist, and an engineer are rafting down a river. They crash their raft into some rocks and it begins to take on water. Luckily, they manage to get the raft onto a nearby bank.
They soon discover they have a supply of canned goods! But alas, no can opener. Trying desperately to get some food, the chemist try’s to erode the can using his knowledge of corrosive minerals in the area, but with no luck. The physicist uses his glasses to focus the sunlight to burn a hole in the can, doesn’t work. The engineer stands up and proclaims: "I'VE GOT IT! ASSUME THE CAN IS OPEN!"

Anyone Say Bar Joke?

A Scientist, Mathematician and an Engineer walk into a bar.
Bartender looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke!"

An Engineer walks in to a bar and says "Ouch".
It was an iron bar.

Changing a Light bulb

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They wouldn't do it. It's a hardware problem.

Efficiency at work

An architect, artist and engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with their wives or mistresses.
The architect said "I like spending time with my wife building a firm foundation of a marriage."
The artist said "I enjoy the time I spend with my mistress because of all the passion and energy."
The engineer said "I enjoy both. If you have a wife and a mistress, both women think you are with the other so you can go to work get more done"

Understanding Problems

What is the definition of an engineer?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

A Nice Pay Packet

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Manager asked the young engineer fresh out of university, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $100,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."
The HR Manager said, "Well, what would you say to a package of $150,000 a year, 6 weeks vacation, paid holidays, full medical and dental, and a company car - say, a red Mercedes?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! You must be joking?"
And the HR Manager said, "Of course, ...but you started it."

A Cold Beer

A Engineer gets home from work and sees a note on the fridge from his wife. “This isn’t working, I’m at my moms”.
The engineer opens the fridge and checks the light, then grabs a beer and feels that it is cold. The engineer thinks to himself. “The fridge works fine”.

A Sure Way to Fail

Two engineers applying for a job had the same qualifications and so were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both engineers only missed one of the questions. The manager went to The first engineer and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the second engineer the job."
Knowing the scores of the test, the first engineer asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. I was the first one here today, the other engineer was late so surely I should get the job?"
The manager replied, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
The engineer then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the other engineer put down on question #12, "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I'"

Monkey Play

A tourist in a bid to kill some time walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While they was there, another customer walked in, lent over the counter and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an AutoCAD monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid the shop keeper and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey?! Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does that monkey do?"
"Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in its own cage. The price tag on the cage read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer."

An Engineers Approach

There is a half glass of scotch on a table at a university bar.
The Arts student says that it symbolises unfulfilled emotions.
The Science student starts calculating the exact percentage full.
The Engineering student goes up to the glass, drinks the scotch and asks, "What's the question?

Mud Wrestling?

Arguing with an engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig.
After a few hours, you realize that he likes it.